A Jump To The Left
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Soldier, Tinker, Tailor, Slider?
1. Chapter 1

**A Jump to the Left**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS, Married with Children, or Sliders. For a more complete list of intellectual property I claim no ownership of consult IMDB.**

**Chapter 1**

Cordelia watched wordlessly while Xander walked away from her, ignoring her like she didn't matter.

"Oh no," Willow worried aloud, having caught the entire scene.

"What?!" Cordelia growled, still a little pissed at Willow, even though she placed the lion's share of the blame on Xander and not happy that she saw Xander blow her off.

"Jonathan looked content just like that, and then Buffy found him on the roof with a rifle."

"You're saying Xander's going to go postal?" Cordelia asked doubtfully.

"Jonathan went up there to kill himself," Willow said.

"What!?"

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander stepped into the basement with a happy grin and a small bag of parts from Radio Shack. Hearing a noise he turned his head and scanned the basement. Seeing nothing he shrugged and quickly got to work.

He'd cleaned the basement out and straightened everything up, something that had surprised his parents, but they saw no reason to complain.

Flipping over a chalkboard revealed the sentence 'If it wasn't for my horse, I would have never made it into college' written on the other side. Each letter had a complex equation beneath it.

Xander dumped the bag out on a work bench next to a partially assembled gauntlet and remote. Plugging in a soldering iron and flipping on a desk lamp, he got to work.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Willow dropped the spell and both she and Cordelia exchanged worried glances.

"When did Xander become one of the pod people?!" Cordelia demanded.

"I don't know," Willow replied. "We have to get Buffy, she'll know what to do."

"Screw Buffy, we have to get Giles," Cordelia snorted. "He's not a vampire."

"We'll get both," Willow swore as the two hurried to the library.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander pulled on the metal and Gore-Tex gauntlet and squeezed his left hand a few times grinning as the red LED went off.

Turning his attention back to the remote he inserted a battery pack and checked the display. Tapping a button he slowly began programming in a long sequence of numbers, checking and re-checking them frequently to ensure they were correct.

"This would be so much easier with a computer," Xander muttered five minutes later as he finished programming it and a green LED lit up on both the gauntlet and the remote.

Nodding in satisfaction he put on a leather jacket and grabbed his backpack. Opening his backpack he retrieved a small orange latex package the size of a shoebox and strapped it to his left arm.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," Xander decided as he tapped a button and the remote lit up displaying two rapidly changing numbers and a pair of moving dots over a grid.

***CRACK***

Xander jumped to his feet and saw something rushing at him, so he snatched a can off the work bench and sprayed it, dodging out of the way.

Buffy cursed loudly and clawed at her eyes, dropping the stake she'd been holding as the rest of the scoobs rushed down the outside stairs.

"Freeze!" Giles ordered pointing a crossbow at Xander.

"Guys, I can't come in without an invitation," Angel reminded them.

Oz helped Buffy to the sink over by the washer and dryer while Giles kept the crossbow trained on Xander.

"Come in!" Buffy called out before sticking her face under the faucet.

"What did you do to her?!" Giles demanded.

Xander ignored him and the look on his face made Cordelia and Willow flinch. "You. Invited. A. Vampire. Into. My. HOUSE!"

"What did you do to Buffy?" Giles demanded again, gesturing with the crossbow.

Xander tossed the spray can towards the four and Angel caught it. "Spray Starch," he read aloud.

"Why the fuck would you invite a vampire into my house?!" Xander cursed, truly pissed.

"What are you?!" Willow demanded, while Oz handed Buffy a towel from the pile of clean laundry.

"What?" Xander asked confused.

"He smells like Xander," Angel said.

"And you smell like a three day dead corpse that uses too much hair gel," Xander snorted. "Now would somebody explain why you felt the need to break into my house and attack me?"

"You're not Xander," Buffy said. "Willow and Cordelia followed you and saw you doing pod people stuff."

"Uh huh," Xander said slowly. "Will someone translate that into English?"

Willow pointed at the chalkboard. "That!"

"Well _that_ is a complex mathematical formula along with the mnemonic phrase that lets a bonehead like me remember it, I don't see how me using a mnemonic phrase to help me remember something way over my head equals, there's Xander lets stake him and invite a vampire into his house!"

"And what about that?!" Cordelia demanded pointing out the gauntlet on his hand.

"This is something I built out of spare parts I bought from the mall, no eye of newt or magic happening here."

"But how do you know how to build something?!" Cordelia demanded. "You're an idiot!"

If looks could kill, Cordelia would have been a corpse.

"Like most people, I can read and follow blueprints. You don't even know what the hell this is and you claim I'm the idiot?" Xander growled. "You know what? We're through here. My life is my business not yours and just because I'm smart enough to follow directions doesn't give you the right to break into my place and threaten me."

"They were worried about you," Angel quickly spoke up in their defense.

"I seriously doubt that," Xander said flatly. "And even if they actually cared, this is unacceptable behavior, as my grandmother would say. Now, who's going to fix the lock on my door and magically uninvited the vampire or do I just call Joyce and dust Angel?"  
Things got loud as everyone tried to talk at once until someone stomped on the ceiling and yelled, "Keep it down, down there I'm watching my shows!"

Everyone fell silent and stared at the ceiling.

Xander rolled his eyes. "This is my house, where I and my parents live, how do you think they'd respond to a bunch of yelling coming from the basement?"

"Well… you still aren't smart enough to build things or know formulas like that," Cordelia argued.

"How many honors classes am I in?" Xander asked flatly only to receive silence. "That's right, I take and pass all the same classes as Willow despite putting in only a fraction of the effort, so yes I am more than smart enough to build things by putting pieces together. I'm not claiming that I can build transistors from scratch or anything, but I sure as hell can use them. You don't need to be the inventor of the wheel to put a bike together."

"Err, sorry," Giles offered.

"Now let's get to the uninviting or staking of a vampire," Xander said.

"You can't stake Angel," Buffy said loyally.

Xander and Angel stared at each other for a moment as if Buffy hadn't spoken and Angel nodded. "I know a witch that hires out for stuff like that. I'll have her come by tomorrow."

"Ask her if you can uninvited people too," Xander added making the girls flinch.

Everyone started filing out leaving Xander alone in the basement. "Ok, more preparations for the stuff I didn't see coming," he muttered.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander finished his history exam and handed it in before returning to his seat and pulling out a copy of Popular Mechanics.

Willow had already handed in her test so she took a peak at the article Xander was reading before returning to her own work.

After class Willow and Buffy headed towards the library.

"So what was he reading?" Buffy asked.

"An article on flashing data," Willow said as they entered the library.

"What does nudity have to do with computers?" Buffy asked.

Giles and Oz raised an eyebrow in unison.

"Not that kind of flashing," Willow corrected. "It just means to imprint the data."

"They really should use a different term then," Buffy said.

"Scientists get bored too," Oz pointed out. "Let them have their fun where they can."

"Quite," Giles agreed with a bit of humor.

The four fell silent as Xander entered, checked out a book and left.

"What did he check out?" Willow asked.

"A book on jewelry making."

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander poked through the thrift shop that had replaced Ethan's costume shop. The few electronic odds and ends were so old they had vacuum tubes and the jewelry was so gaudy and out of date even he shook his head at it.

"Finding everything ok, sir?" a young saleswoman with a name-tag reading Lisa asked.

"Yeah, just nothing I could use. Too bad you didn't keep the stuff from the shop that was here before you, they had some costume jewelry that would have been perfect. "

"I think we still have all that," Lisa offered. "It's all boxed in the back. We'll probably bring it out for Halloween."

"I don't suppose you'd let me buy some of it early?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Sure," Lisa said waving the other salesgirl over. "Sal, you want to take the front while I help this gentleman with the rear?"

"As long as you'll cover for me during break."

"No problem," Lisa replied and the two vanished into the back room.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Xander stumbled out the backdoor and into the alley, his clothes rumpled and carrying a box. "I'll have to shop here more often."

Humming cheerfully he headed for home, unaware Buffy, Willow and Cordelia had followed him and were waiting for him to come out and spent the next two hours wondering what was taking him so long.

Arriving at home Xander reached for the basement door when his dad called out, "Hey kid, take a look at the TV, it's all staticy."

"Let me get my tools and I'll be right there," Xander promised before heading downstairs to dump off the box.

Grabbing the handful of odds and ends he used he headed upstairs and found his father sitting in his Lazy Boy sipping a beer, clearly annoyed at the static rolling across the screen.

Xander pulled the old Magnoroix forward and undid the screws holding it closed. He winced as he looked inside.

"What's wrong?" Tony asked.

"We need to take it outside and fire up the air compressor," Xander said. "It's got enough dust in it to cause overheating, which doesn't help matters."

Tony turned on the compressor and handed Xander the air hose once they'd gotten everything ready.

It took a good five minutes to blow the inside of the television clean and Xander was glad he'd drug it out on the porch, because Jessica would have killed them both for the mess it would have made inside.

Tony put away the air compressor and plopped back down on his Lazy Boy with a fresh beer. "The colors are a lot clearer but the static is the same."

Xander looked at the frequency tuner and had an idea. "I can improve reception so we get all the channels, but the number of channels will make it hard to find anything."

"I'm not that picky, I just like a clear picture," Tony replied.

Xander nodded and ran down to the basement for a couple of the chips he'd just flashed and a couple of small LCD screens salvaged from broken calculators.

Tony watched curiously as Xander worked, shaking his head as he finished and handed him a remote. "You got brains I know you didn't get from me and, as much as I love your mom, you didn't get them from her either."

At Xander's hurt look Tony winced. "Try not to be such a pussy, son. I raised you and I love you, but I'm still hoping she cheated on me because… Do you believe in magic?"

"Hard to live in Sunnydale and not believe in it," Xander replied.

"Sunnydale?" Tony asked in confusion while handing Xander a beer. "Drink it, it won't kill you."

"A lot more goes on in this town than you know, dad. People accept the wildest explanation for things as if they're true, even when they've seen what actually happened," Xander explained edging around the facts. "We call it Sunnydale Syndrome. Have you ever seen a wild dog in this town or people running around with bar-b-Q forks?"

Tony winced. "Thinking about that makes my head ache for some reason. Anyway, back on topic. Somewhere back in history an Indian shaman cursed the bloodline. How and why we've forgotten, if we ever knew, and they're all dead and gone so we can't get it removed. So when I say you're not my son I'm hoping for a better life for you."

Xander took a long pull on his beer. "Seriously?"

"Seriously, you're either not my son or your mom's curse is stronger than the Harris one, and considering the cursed-charmed life they live I wouldn't be surprised."

"Mom's curse?" Xander asked in shock.

"Yep, remember your Uncle Al?"

**The pebble that started it all. **

Whistler sighed. He really hated screwing with people's heads, but when the Boss' said frog, he had to hop.

Increasing the urge to push Xander out of the group was pretty simple, Cordelia would do it to hurt him, Willow would do it out of guilt, and Buffy… for a handful of contradicting reasons.

He scratched his chin and frowned in thought . All of this was useless if the kid wouldn't budge and god knows how pushing at the conflicting bundle of thoughts that made up his brain would make him act.

It'd be so much simpler if he hadn't gotten possessed. So much, Whistler thought to himself. Or, if he'd stayed possessed one of those times cause the version of him who was a soldier wouldn't put up with the crap his friends put him through.

Whistler froze for a moment and then he began to grin as an idea occurred to him.

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Xander flipped his gauntleted hand over and brought his middle and ring finger to his palm in a familiar movement to Spiderman fans everywhere. A pair of needles trailing thin metal wires shot out and there was a harsh snapping sound as electricity arced between them, a little louder that the _twip_ sound they'd made when launched. He waited for a small green bar on the gauntlet to turn to orange before relaxing his hand to turn off the taser. Holding down a button on the back he pulled back the gauntlet, disengaging the wires and walked over to the fuse box.

"Here goes nothing," he muttered before gingerly laying his palm on it and wincing as he felt the muscles in his arm involuntarily tighten, as a small amount of current leaked through. "God bless inductive current," he said as he watched the power bar slowly increase. He removed the gauntlet and plugged a power cord into it to allow it to recharge normally while he massaged his arm.

There was a loud snapping noise and Xander growled. "Damnit Buffy, I told you I'm not possessed, I don't care what bug has crawled up your ass this time and if you don't pay for the lock and leave I'll call the cops on your ass!"

"Whoa there stud," Faith replied amused.

"Faith?" Xander asked surprised.

"Yeah, it's me. What's up with the hostility?" she asked, trying to ignore the fact that she'd almost choked him to death at one point.

Xander shrugged. "Sorry, thought you were Buffy."

"I thought you guys were tight."

"I thought we were too," Xander replied, "but really she's just interested in having followers and wool makes me itch."

Faith laughed despite herself. "What about Willow?"

"Apparently I never knew her," Xander said sadly. "One of the things I value most is loyalty and Willow has shown that when the chips are down, she's just Harmony with red hair."

"Ouch," Faith hissed, having met Harmony before. "Oz, Giles, Cordelia?"

"Oz… was never really a friend, he never made the effort. Giles is pussy whipped without getting any pussy. How sad is that?"

Faith laughed so hard her sides ached. "And Cordelia?" Faith asked curiously.

"When she was a complete bitch to me I literally dove through fire to save her ass, now I wouldn't cross the street to piss on her if she was on fire. She has the right to be pissed at me and I have a right to be pissed at myself, mainly because I was stupid enough to date her. Is a sane girl with her priorities in order too much to ask for?"

"On the Hellmouth?" she asked.

"You may have a point there," Xander admitted thoughtfully. "Anyway, what brings you by?"

"I work for the mayor now," Faith reminded him.

"Better than the Watcher's Council," he replied, remembering Buffy's crucimentum.

"That's all you have to say?" Faith asked in shock.

"Look at all the wonderful things the Watchers have done for the slayers on the Hellmouth and tell me that working at McDonalds wouldn't offer better benefits and support."

"Wouldn't have to worry about fake managers showing up either," Faith said as she considered it.

"Exactly, plus free food, which the Watchers certainly don't provide unless you're one of the children they kidnap and brainwash."

""Why was I ever with those jerks?" Faith asked herself.

"Because your first Watcher had her priorities in order, you first, everything else second and from what I've seen that's not part of the standard Watcher's training."

"Yeah," Faith said sadly before burying it beneath her bad girl persona once more. "Anyway, the Mayor sent me to keep you out of the way for tonight's events."

Xander blinked. "He coulda sent me a new release from Blockbuster and a large pizza to do that."

"Seriously?" she asked more than a little surprised.

"Yeah, it's all I have planned for tonight anyway and I don't exactly hang out with the gang anymore since their sting operation on you where they showed me exactly how much I mean to them, by leaving me unconscious on the street… at night," Xander said darkly.

"Damn," Faith said with a wince, having figured they'd had someone hiding in the shadows to pick him up and surprised they hadn't. She felt a little better about working with the mayor after hearing that.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, recalling a superior officer and how he'd lied to and killed his own men, including Xander, to keep himself alive. "That was the final straw. If you can't trust the people you risk your life for it's time to move on."

"So what do you want on your pizza?" Faith asked trying to lighten the mood.

"Hawaiian," he replied with a chuckle. "But I was kidding about the movie rental, I've got something better."

Faith pulled out a cellphone and placed the order before asking, "What's better than the latest from Hollywood?"

"The greatest from Hollywierd," Xander replied picking up a TV remote and turning on a large color television before entering a twenty digit number.

Faith watched in confusion as Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers came on, not that she'd ever admit to watching something childish like that, only to find nude transformation sequences, sex violence, and tentacles. Xander handed her a slice of pizza as she'd become so engrossed in the show she'd missed the pizza boy's arrival. "Did I step into the Twilight Zone?" she asked in shock as the credits scrolled and the nightly news came on, openly talking about subjects that would make the FCC nuke them.

"Nah, I just added a tuner so I could pick up bleed over TV signals from other dimensions."

"The Hellmouth?" she guessed.

"Bingo!"

"Cool, well I gotta jet," Faith paused in the doorway. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for trying to strangle you," she said quietly, not looking back.

"You were in a bad place, can't hold that against you," Xander said. "I'm just glad someone's looking out for you now."

"Yeah," Faith said feeling lighter than she had in a while as she vanished into the night.

Xander chuckled ruefully. "Forgot to have her fix my lock."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Xander-" Giles began, when the teen stopped by to drop off a book in the library, which as usual was populated by Buffy and her friends and not much else.

"Only my friends call me Xander," Xander interrupted.

"Mr. Harris," Giles tried again. "I was wondering if you had seen Faith lately."

"My private life is none of your business," he said bluntly.

"She kidnapped Willow!" Buffy exclaimed.

Xander's eyes flickered over to Willow sitting next to Oz.

"We got her back," Buffy said lamely.

"I don't care what you and your groupies do Miss Summers," Xander said formally. "Stay away from me and out of my life."

"Well," said Snyder who'd entered the library unnoticed during the argument conjuring a folder. "I was just about to track you down concerning your grades."

"He's flunking?" Willow asked worriedly, knowing they hadn't studied together in over a month.

"His grades have improved drastically, except for history, which actually dropped. I was concerned that he might be cheating, but I guess he has more time to study, now that he's not hanging out with you delinquents."

"A lot more time," Xander agreed. "With no more distractions I've actually found it a lot easier to get my work done."

"And the history grade?" he asked curiously.

"They're covering the sixties and the seventies, where the long haired hippies started coming out of the woodwork and the government tried to appease them rather than doing the smart thing and calling in the National Guard and have the lot of them put down," Xander said coldly.

"And Woodstock?" Snyder said with a grin.

"Beautiful event, it gathered all of the socialistic bastards in one place with no cover. Imagine calling in an air strike in there," Xander's grin was feral.

Snyder actually sniffed, a tear welling up in his eye.

"The version of history I'm writing makes a lot more sense than the government pandering to a group of commies and hippies."

Snyder nodded and cleared his throat. "You may go Harris, I'll take care of your history grade."

Xander nodded and left.

Snyder wiped his eyes and glared at them daring them to say anything before he left.

"Who else was freaked out by that?" Oz asked raising his hand.

The entire group except Wesley raised their hands.

"He's been possessed by Nixon?" Willow offered.

"Doubtful," Wesley said dryly.

"We gotta do something," Buffy said.

"Like what?" Giles asked dryly, "make him join Young Republicans Anonymous?"

"We could check the bug you left," Cordelia pointed out to Willow.

"Bug?" Giles asked.

Willow blushed under everyone's attention. "I found a spell that would allow me to spy on someone for a couple of days."

"Why a couple of days?" Buffy asked.

"Insects don't live that long," Willow said with a shrug.

"You literally bugged him?" Buffy asked in shock her mouth hanging open.

"Yeah, I just didn't think to check it because what he said made sense, so spying on him would have been wrong."

"That was before Faith got involved," Buffy said. "It's no longer just about him.

"We'll wait until tonight," Giles said. "We don't need students wandering in."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You get the crystal, I'll get the scrying bowl," Wesley ordered as they filed into the library.

"I'll get the lights," Giles said.

"You guys know the spell?" Willow asked.

"It's a beginner's spell that most Watchers learn in their teens," Giles replied, remembering how determined he'd been to make it work and what uses most of the teenagers who'd learned it put it to.

Wesley returned with a bowl of black liquid that he carefully placed on the table while Willow used a piece of chalk to draw a circle around it followed by some carefully placed runes.

"We should have brought popcorn," Oz said, earning a chuckle and some smiles.

Angel winced. "Are you going to start making fun of my hair next?"

"Just trying to lighten the mood a bit," Oz said.

"Oh," Angel said, glancing around and noticing how wound up everyone was, as opposed to how things had been when Xander was around to distract everyone.

The lights went out and Giles joined them at the table where Willow had already began her chant, at the crescendo she dropped a small quartz crystal into the bowl and Xander's basement came into focus.

"He's an alien!" Buffy exclaimed as a green skinned Xander was shown working on something and drinking a glass of blue liquid.

Giles reached out and turned the bowl slightly, returning Xander to his natural shade and his milk white once more.

"Oh," Buffy said.

Everyone watched Xander work on a half assembled TV for a couple of minutes before Oz asked, "Is there a fast forward on this thing?"

Willow gestured and Xander's movements sped up till he was a blur.

"He's been working out," Oz said thoughtfully as Xander stopped his work every few hours to exercise a bit, varying between pushups, sit-ups and a jump rope.

"It helps when you spend a lot of time working to get up and exercise every couple of hours to keep the blood flowing," Wesley said.

"It's a good habit to have," Giles agreed.

"Since when does the class clown have any good habits?!" Cordelia exclaimed.

"Since he dropped us like a bad one," Buffy said bitterly.

Xander turned off the lights and left so Willow gestured again and hours flickered past until the lights came back on and they were treated to the sight of Jessica Harris doing the laundry.

Willow gestured again and Jessica vanished and Xander blurred onto the scene. She gestured and the blur came into focus showing rumpled clothes and a box of laundry. She let things play out at five times normal speed.

"Is that a hickey?" Cordelia asked angrily. "And that's lipstick on his collar!"

Wesley and Giles moved a step back from the angry young woman.

"What's he doing?" Angel asked.

"He's… making jewelry with ROM chips embedded in them," Willow replied.

"Rom chips?" Angel asked woodenly, thinking of the gypsies.

"Read Only Memory," Willow explained before gesturing and speeding Xander up once more.

"He's very handy with a soldering gun," Wesley said as Xander vanished and the lights went out once more. "He's always been good with his hands," Willow replied as hours flew past.

"Wait!" Giles ordered, causing Willow to gesture and the scene to freeze.

"What the hell is that?" Cordelia demanded as a tiny greenish grey figure that couldn't have been more than a foot high climbed onto the table and started messing with Xander's gauntlet.

"Gremlin," all the males in the room chorused, much to their surprise.

"What?" Buffy asked, eying them all strangely.

"During World War II I saw a lot of them," Angel explained. "They tended to infest the bases where the new planes and ships where designed and built."

"I-" Giles and Wesley chorused and stopped, Giles gesturing for Wesley to continue.

"Gremlins are formed from the energy released in the act of creation and are attracted to intensely complex items being creatures of chaos themselves. They like to alter and experiment with those items, sometimes with fortuitous results but not often."

Buffy raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell he'd just said.

"They like to play with geek toys and usually screw them up," Oz translated.

"Have you read the entry in Raven's Compendium on them?" Giles asked curiously.

"Keep finding them nesting in the amps," Oz replied. "Gremlins seemed to fit."

Willow gestured and the scene moved ahead showing the tiny manlike figure playing with Xander's things until it raised its head like it'd heard a noise and it leapt off the table and scampered off. Xander entered the scene and started working on his gauntlet again, stopping to exercise every couple of hours as had become his habit. Willow gestured and things sped up again until Xander put on his gauntlet and she slowed down to normal speed allowing them to actually see what was going on. Xander's mumbling under his breath wasn't exactly intelligible. She was about to fast forward again when Xander used his gauntlet to taser the wall as a test.

"It's a weapon?" Wesley asked.

"Defensive weapon," Oz noted.

"What's he doing now?" Giles asked as they watched Xander lay his gauntlet on the fuse box.

"Recharging it using inductive current," Willow said in shock.

"Is that hard to do?" Giles asked.

"I've never heard of anyone actually doing it," Willow admitted. "It's all theory."

"So that's alien invader stuff, right?" Buffy asked.

Willow shrugged and everyone was distracted by Faith's appearance.

They watched intently until Faith left and a few seconds later it all went black.

"You left him on the street?" Willow asked quietly.

"I pulled my punch so he wouldn't be out too long," Angel defended himself, "and I figured it was safer than what Faith would have done if she'd figured out I was playing her, it was a lose lose situation."

"He is not actively an enemy," Wesley said, "at least not yet. How much does he know about everyone and is he a threat?"

The girls started arguing while Oz and Angel exchanged uneasy glances.

Giles whistled loudly distracting the girls from their argument. "One at a time, please."

"He knows just about everything about us," Willow said. "Until recently he was one of us."

"So he is a threat?" Wesley asked.

"No," the girls chorused.

"Yes," came the male response.

"He knows everyone here personally, our habits, our hobbies, how we are likely to react in any given situation and where we live," Giles said cleaning his glasses furiously. "From a tactical standpoint he is a threat."

"He'd never hurt us!" Willow protested.

"Unless possessed he's pretty harmless," Buffy backed her up.

"Just ask the Judge," Oz deadpanned causing a pregnant silence.

"He has a criminal record?" Wesley asked.

"Big Blue guy," Buffy said absently distracted by trying to evaluate Xander and his actions rather than just shoving then into the box labeled 'normal guy'.

"I thought Miss Summers destroyed him," Wesley said.

"She did, but the plan and the equipment were Xander's," Oz said. "He let Buffy use the rocket launcher, but he could have easily done everything himself."

"You're claiming a teenage boy was really responsible for destroying a millennium old unkillable demon?" Wesley asked in disbelief.

"Pretty much," Willow confirmed.

"But you ladies say he's harmless?" Wesley asked.

"We aren't unkillable demons," Cordelia said as if it explained everything.

"What?" he asked confused.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Before Xander convinced Larry to come out of the closet, Larry was a huge bully that picked on Xander for years. Xander can take out fledges without too much trouble, but he never so much as bruised Larry."

"So he won't hurt humans?" Wesley asked making sure he had it right.

"No… he won't hurt people who aren't a threat to anyone he cares about," Willow explained.

"And if he comes to care about Miss Lehane?"

"I…don't know," Willow admitted chewing on her bottom lip.

"So, is he someone we need to worry about or not?" Wesley asked.

"Someone to keep an eye on," Giles said, "But I would suggest avoiding provoking him. Not to mention targeting someone because they may become a threat is morally questionable at best."

Wesley nodded. "I can see your point. He could become a threat, but its best not to make him one ourselves."

"Exactly."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Mayor watched the meeting break up via the camera he'd had installed in the Sunnydale High library and tapped his chin thoughtfully.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

***knock knock***

Xander answered the door and found Faith with a six pack of soda and a pizza. "Wow, I've had dreams that start just like this."

Faith rolled her eyes. "Can I come in or what?"

He stepped back, giving her room to enter.

She followed him in, closing the door behind herself. "Like I could get turned."

"You never know, stranger things happen in this town," Xander whispered knowingly, eyes darting from side to side, as if he were looking for things in the shadows, making Faith laugh.

"You big goof!" she laughed.

"That's me," he agreed cheerfully. "So what brings you by today?"

Faith shrugged. "Boss wanted to know if you'd like a box that is like a door to its own dimension, filled with giant scorpion spiders, cause he's done with it and I wanted to see if you wanted to hang and watch some fucked up shows."

Xander smiled. "Yes to both. I just finished enhancing the tuner and was going to watch some…" his voice trailed off with a grin.

"Either porn or professional wrestling," Faith guessed.

"Ever seen those beer commercials where they combine the two?" he held up a pair of remotes.

"You're shitting me?!"

"I shit you not," he promised handing her one and pointing towards the TV with the other. "Professional wrestling," he announced as he typed it in.

"-and Bobby the Brain Phenom has him on the ropes-"

"Porn!" Faith added as she typed it in.

"-the Hedgehog has the Hulkster in a choke hold! You can see the Hulkster fighting for breath, but with Ron's hands on the back of his head-"

***click***

Xander and Faith stared at each other; both remotes pointed at the TV as they'd both hit the off button.

"I think I'm traumatized for life," Xander said.

"Right there with you," Faith swore. "Multiple girls can be hot, but multiple guys by themselves especially with that much body hair…"

"Let's try something else," Xander suggested, flipping the TV on.

"How do these things work anyway?" Faith asked curiously.

"A lot of the broadcasts include a summary encoded in the signal so the tuner scans for a summary that matches what both remotes enter," Xander explained.

"Cool," Faith said nodding. "Princess."

"Bride," Xander said.

The two settled onto the old beat up plaid couch to watch.

"Definitely not gay porn," Faith said breaking a pair of coke cans loose from the six-pack.

"The local version is a classic and funny as hell," Xander said. "Willow made me watch it when we were kids."

Faith tilted her head to the side as she stared at the screen. "I didn't get to see my first porn until I was twelve."

Xander handed her a slice of pizza. "The local version doesn't have any sex or nudity. I'm guessing since the last channel we requested had porn in it, the first one it found on a nearby channel was more likely to have porn as well."

"You should put in a button so it skips to the next channel that matches, that way you can see wrestling porn you actually dig."

"That's brilliant," Xander said before hopping up and grabbing some tools to work on his remote.

"Are you going to work on that now?" Faith said meaningfully.

"Sorry," Xander apologized rejoining Faith on the couch.

Faith laid her head in his lap so he couldn't just run off to work on something. As she felt his hand on her head she mentally sighed, but figured a quick blow job wasn't out of line and she had placed her head in his lap after all.

Xander stroked Faith's hair absently while he watched the movie, chuckling at the scene where Wesley is revived by Miracle Max, while Andre the Giant's character brought some 'growth formula' from his wife.

Faith frowned wondering why he hadn't made a move to unzip his pants yet, but after a few seconds she began to relax, enjoying the feel of his fingers running through her hair.

Xander chuckled at the ending of the movie. "A classic happy ending," he said, "the boy got the girl in the end, hers."

Looking down he noticed Faith was asleep. He yawned and closed his eyes for a moment realizing he was pretty tired himself.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Mayor checked his speech over one last time and decided to add a section on civic responsibility, as the number of volunteers to work with the elderly had been falling recently. Noting the time he pulled out a hand mirror with a lock of hair in the handle and muttered a command word. His reflection vanished and was replaced by the sight of Faith and Xander asleep on the couch.

The Mayor smiled indulgently, he remembered his own daughter who'd looked so much like Faith… before she'd gotten sick and died. It did his heart good to see her making friends like a normal girl. "The prom is coming up, perhaps I should see about chaperoning," he muttered.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"He goes into that thrift store a lot," Willow said.

"And doesn't come out," Oz observed. "Not the front anyway."

"Not the front?" she replied curiously.

"He goes in, we don't see when he comes out, I'm guessing back door," Oz explained.

"Cordelia said she waited three hours yesterday and doesn't know how she missed him leaving, but if he's leaving through the back door that would explain things."

"Also means he knows he's being watched, so he uses it to ditch us."

"Oh!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander tucked his shirt into his pants and used a bandana to wipe off the lipstick he knew Lisa had left on him. Once he was sure he was presentable he picked up the bag containing the tuxedo and headed home.

Oz pulled Willow behind a dumpster just before Xander rounded the corner, covering her mouth with his hand so she wouldn't yell in surprise.

Willow relaxed against Oz as she realized what had happened, but stiffened again as she heard Xander's approaching footsteps. She covered her own mouth and tried not to breathe too loudly.

As Xander passed, not even glancing in their direction, Oz's hand darted out and pulled something off the bag.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"This is bad," Willow said worriedly as Oz silently handed the piece of paper to Giles.

"What's bad?" Buffy asked, while Wesley stopped flirting with Cordelia long enough to read the paper over Giles' shoulder.

"A receipt for James Bond's tuxedo from a costume shop, dated quite a while ago," Wesley said. "Is there some hidden meaning to it?"

"Yes, that Halloween thanks to a rather odious chaos mage everyone became their costume for the night," Giles said.

"And the place is still open?" Wesley asked in surprise.

"No, it's a thrift shop now, they must have kept the remaining stock from Ethan's, but Xander bought that and ducked out the back so we wouldn't see it."

"So him dressing as James Bond is bad because…?" Wesley asked.

"Xander is already a threat as is," Giles explained. "We really don't need him adding a portion of James Bond's legendary skills to his arsenal."

"Everyone who wore one of these costumes retained a degree of their skills?" Wesley asked in shock. "I wonder if a Cyrano de Bergerac costume is available."

"Who?" Cordelia asked.

"Cyrano de Bergerac," Giles explained, "A famous swordsman, lover and poet. Think Casanova, but with scruples and brains."

"Oh," Cordelia said.

Buffy shook her head. "The only one who kept anything from the costumes was Xander, everyone else had it all fade away, though my French did improve."

"Why only him?" Wesley asked.

"I suspect he has a great deal of potential as a chaos mage," Giles admitted, "though he has shown no interest in magic and I was careful not to encourage him."

"So Mister Harris is likely a budding chaos mage on top of everything else?" Wesley asked carefully.

"It's starting to look that way," Giles admitted.

"He could be planning on having someone else cast the spell for him," Willow suggested, recalling how Anya had gotten her help and Angel paying a witch to uninvite him from Xander's place.

"Who could he get to help him?" Cordelia asked.

The library door opened as Anya made her entrance. "Drat, Xander's not here."

Everyone turned to stare at Anya.

"What?" she asked, wondering why they were all staring at her.

"Are you casting spells for Xander?" Buffy demanded.

"No, why?" she asked curiously.

"Then why are you looking for him?" Willow asked.

"He's taking me to prom," Anya replied.

Cordelia froze for a moment before saying, "You, the Patron Saint for Scorned Women, who was summoned to make Xander's life hell, are going on a date with him?"

"Of the available dating options he's the best," Anya said cheerfully. "He looks at my face when talking to me, unless I deliberately attract his attention to my body when I wish to feel attractive. He only has one habit I find disgusting and is genuinely likeable and attractive. I know he's not rich or well-bred, but he's sincere and has a large cock. Why wouldn't I date him?"

"Disgusting habit?" Buffy asked, hoping to distract Cordelia before she exploded.

"He hunts demons in his spare time," Anya said with a shrug. "But I was pretty sure you all knew that."

"He hunts alone?!" Buffy demanded.

"I'm not sure," Anya replied. "Like I said, it's a disgusting habit so I don't pry into it."

"Add rogue demon hunter to the list," Wesley said with a sigh.

"What's a rogue demon?" Anya asked curiously.

"Rogue, hunter of demons," Wesley corrected himself.

"Does anyone know where he is?" Anya asked, deciding she'd wasted enough time talking to Xander's friends.

"He doesn't hang around here anymore," Oz spoke up.

"I think you might want to try the music room," Giles suggested.

"Thank you," Anya said before turning around and leaving without a backwards glance.

"The music room?" Buffy asked.

Giles shrugged. "It got her to leave. We still have to figure out where the hellhounds came from."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Looking sharp," Faith said as Xander showed her how well the suit fit.

"Well it is the senior prom," Xander said nervously.

"Never went to all that many dances in high school," Faith admitted.

"Would-" Xander began when the noise of someone breaking the lock on the back door sounded loudly.

The two spun around expecting to see Buffy, but instead found themselves facing Anya.

"You still have demonic strength?" Xander asked, thinking about how only Buffy and Faith had ripped open the door so far.

"I used a crowbar," Anya said cheerfully holding up a small prybar.

"Ok," Xander replied slowly, "so why did you break in?"

"I wanted to let you know you were taking me to the prom," Anya replied sliding the prybar into her purse.

"I was going to ask Faith," Xander said, wondering when a laugh track had been added to his life, because he was definitely in a sitcom.

Anya beamed at the surprised slayer. "Good choice, with the slayer as your date you're guaranteed a good time and safety. We'll have to get matching dresses."

**Five Minutes Later…**

"I'll meet you both here at five, see you then," Anya said before leaving.

"What just happened?" Faith asked.

"I think we just agreed to take Anya to the prom," Xander replied, an envelope with the exact amount of money needed to replace the lock on his back door in his right hand.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I have no idea how you talked me into this," Faith said as she gave Xander another once over when he bent to tie his shoes.

"I wish I knew how I did it too," Xander said straightening up, "that way I could do it again."

Faith chuckled.

The door opened and Anya came down in a blue satin gown that matched Faith's.

"You didn't break the lock this time?" Xander asked, not having heard the familiar crack.

"I have a key," Anya said, holding up a key.

"You got a key?" Faith asked, a touch of jealousy in her voice.

Anya pulled out another key and gave it to Faith. "There, now we both have keys."

"I don't have a key," Xander said shaking his head.

"You should have bribed the locksmith like I did," the ex-demoness said with a grin.

"You don't have a key?" Faith asked.

"I have a paperclip," Xander said with a shrug. "It works as a master key, if you know what you're doing."

"Can you pick handcuffs?" the dark haired slayer asked eagerly. "Cause I always wanted to learn how to do that."

"Sure. I learned it to win a bet. You tuck the paperclip in your collar and people just assume it's to help keep the collar stiff if they find it, but it's close enough to reach with your mouth."

"You have handcuffs in your purse?" Faith asked, as Xander pinned on their corsages.

"Of course, it's the senior prom," Anya replied.

Faith looked over at Xander who shrugged, having no idea what one thing had to do with another, as they followed Anya upstairs to their waiting limo.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Cordelia watched jealously as Xander stepped out of a limo with not one, but two dates, both of whom had matching dresses that looked damn good on them, while she had to wear a hand me down dress from one of her cousins, that she hoped no one noticed.

"How can we tell if they've made with the mojo?" Buffy asked.

"I should think it'd be obvious," Wesley said. "I very much doubt an American teen has the same skill set as a British agent."

"He has a point," Oz agreed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Ok, Boytoy, show us the trick," Faith challenged.

"Are handcuffs really first date material?" Xander asked.

"Depends on the date," Anya said.

"If I must," Xander said pulling a paperclip out of his pocket and making a show of putting it in his collar before turning around and letting Anya handcuff his hands behind his back.

Seeing Xander so on top of things Faith couldn't help but tease him, reaching out she plucked the paperclips from beneath his collar and slid it into her brassier.

Xander matched her grin and leaned forward, just as she moved back, causing those watching to laugh.

"You have to at least by me dinner first," Faith said, mock offended causing another wave of laughter as the circle grew.

He stepped forward again and Faith stood still, but this time when she dodged he brought his mouth to the opposite side of his collar and pulled out another paperclip. "Always have a backup," he said around the paperclip.

"But how are you going to pick the lock when it's behind your back?" one of the growing audience asked.

Xander bent his knees and did a standing flip, landing with his hands in front him. Bringing his hands up to his mouth he bent the paperclip the way he wanted it and quickly picked the cuffs to a round of applause from almost the entire crowd.

"Damn, boytoy, you're really good at that!"

"Military escape and evasion course," he admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Definitely got the James Bond mojo," Buffy said.

"We better have a plan in place for if he joins the other side," Wesley said.

"If he hasn't already," Cordelia said bitterly, as she watched him dance with Faith and Anya with skill she knew he hadn't possessed when they were dating.

"Well you guys enjoy the dance," Buffy said, "I have hell hounds to kill."

"We can help," Willow quickly offered.

"You guys have helped a lot," Buffy assured her, "let me do this for you, please."

"Ok, if you're sure," Willow said reluctantly.

"I am, besides I didn't bring a date anyway."

"He could show!"

"Thanks, but I'm pretty happy just to have made it here and I have you guys to thank for it. I'll just take care of this and I'll be right back before you know it, promise."

"Ok," Willow said, "but you be careful."

"I will," Buffy said before heading outside.

"Mayor Wilkins?" Buffy asked, her hand sliding into her purse.

"Yes, Miss Summers?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Chaperoning. You of all people should know what kids your age get up to without adult supervision," Mayor Wilkins said sternly.

"I meant out here," Buffy said with a growl.

"I'm keeping out undesirables."

"Like hellhounds?" the slayer asked.

"Of course. When I got word that someone planned to disrupt an official school function I took care of it."

"Buffy!" Angel said showing up out of the darkness with a sword, wearing a tux.

"Angel!"

"Liam," Mayor Wilkins said dryly.

"You came," Buffy said.

"I…" Angel began.

"Are not going in," Mayor Wilkins said firmly.

"What! Why?" Buffy demanded.

"Miss Summers, if he were still alive I'd have him locked up and registered as a sex offender. I will not have a man who was in his mid 20's before the Declaration of Independence was even signed, escorting an underage girl to a dance filled with impressionable young minds," the Mayor said fiercely.

Buffy grabbed Angel's arm. "Well we're going in and you can't stop us without making a huge scene, which I'm sure you don't want to do."

A fire lit in Mayor Wilkins' eyes as he watched Buffy drag Angel inside. "Something will have to be done. This is exactly why I didn't let any Irish settlers into this town!"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It'd been three days since the prom, where Xander had been brutally snubbed by the awards committee and failed to win the coveted class clown award. Anya and Faith had done their best to cheer him up and in return he'd taught Faith how to pick handcuffs while Anya happily added a level of difficulty to any escape attempt. You could say Xander was in quite a good mood when he prepared for his first test.

Xander put on his gauntlet and strapped the bright yellow shoebox sized package to his left arm before putting on his backpack and double checking everything, including the ring on his left hand. Deciding to play it safe he turned on the TV and typed in 'live all girl wrestling' to find a safe world.

"And Suzy is going for that merit badge in body bending as she suplexes Tina 'the Tiny Terror' Slyvin," the announcer said while a pair of young girl scouts in full outfits rolled around the ring.

"Let's try that again," Xander said with a grin as he typed 'live all women wrestling'.

"Chyma has Chrysie on the ropes!"

Nodding to himself he typed the dimensional frequency into his gauntlet and pointed it at the wall. Taking a deep breath he hit the enter key and the air in front of him quivered, opening up a blue vortex that he threw himself into before he could change his mind. It only took a split second, but it felt like nearly a minute to him as he tumbled through the spiraling vortex only to be spit out into a nearly identical basement covered in cobwebs and dust. He closed his eyes and laid there letting the adrenaline rush fade when someone landed on him with their crotch in his face.

"Anya?" he asked.

"How'd you guess?" she asked climbing off him.

"Smell of your shampoo," he replied.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"Parallel dimension," he replied. "How'd you get here?"

"I was coming over for a nooner when I saw you vanish into a vortex and for some reason I foolishly leapt after you."

"Well I appreciate it anyway," he assured her as he looked around the dusty basement noting the lack of any of his tools or projects.

"So about that nooner?" she said hopefully.

"You want to have a nooner now?"

"It's not a problem is it?"

Xander opened his mouth and paused. "Not really," he decided, "but let's make sure we're safe and won't be interrupted first."

"OK."

Taking the stairs up from the basement he quickly looked around the house. A lot of pictures and his mom's favorite things were gone, but everything else looked the same, just like it'd been abandoned for some time.

"Let's see if my bed is still here," he suggested, leading her up the stairs to his room.

His room was surprisingly clean compared to his actual room, much less the rest of this version of his house, someone had even made his bed. The sound of Anya's clothes hitting the floor distracted him from any further investigation and it wasn't until nearly forty minutes later when they were both dressed again that he considered the matter. "I think someone's been keeping my room clean like some sort of shrine."

"Really, why?"

"I don't know, maybe I died here."

"You better keep out of sight while we search for a way home then, or someone might try to stake you thinking you're a vamp," Anya informed him.

"Search for a way home?" Xander asked confused.

"Home, where we have all our stuff," she pointed out. "I'm not that attached to it, but I have some quite nice things I like and Faith is also there."

Xander put his gauntlet back on. "I opened the portal on purpose, this was just a test. I can get us home whenever we want."

"That's pretty high level magic," she said impressed.

"High level science," he corrected her. "Me and mojo don't mix all that well."

"Still impressive. So, did you come here to clean out your dead self's bank accounts?"

"No, but I could clean out my secret stashes now that you mention it."

"While you do that, I can see if my local self is alive, if she is I'll find out what happened to you, if not I'll clean out her bank accounts," Anya said cheerfully.

"OK, but be back here before nightfall, I have to make an appearance at home so my parents don't think I'm missing."

"Will do," Anya said, as Xander showed her how to leave by the trellis so no one would see her.

With Anya gone he started searching the house finding several of his stashes were empty but still coming up with several hundred dollars and his hidden weapons and comics. He was kicking back on his bed reading the Dark Phoenix cycle when Anya climbed in the window wearing different clothes and started stripping. He briefly gave thanks to the fact that he was a teenage male and reached for the condoms Anya had left on the nightstand.

"I hope you're well rested," she teased and proceeded to wipe his mind clean of rational thought.

Over and hour later, feeling slightly dehydrated, Xander collapsed and a second Anya climbed in the window with a suitcase.

"I got all our stuff," the second Anya said.

"Um, what's going on?" Xander asked.

"Something happened and all the males died six months ago," the Anya lying naked next to him explained. "The sperm banks were quickly used up, so the human race isn't going to die out, but as you can imagine most women in this generation are out of luck having kids. Lesbianism has helped, but I want both a husband and a child, so my other self suggested coming with you two to a world where whatever it is hasn't happened."

"My place isn't very big," the second Anya said. "But it's easily big enough for two of me since we have the same tastes and habits."

"Makes sense," Xander agreed. "Are you going to claim to be twin sisters or something?"

"That would be the simplest way to explain things," both Anya's agreed.

The Anya on the bed got up and began dressing. "I am so lucky you two came along. You cannot believe how much I was spending on batteries. I mean fish is a nice side dish, but not as a whole meal."

Xander chuckled and shook his head as he started getting dressed himself. "Remember, mum's the word on the dimensional jump device."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What's the problem?" Buffy asked Willow.

"Shhh!" the red haired girl shushed her and pointed to the open window.

Buffy froze as she heard Xander's voice, "Remember, … the word… jump…"

The two girls stared at each other wide eyed before they both started climbing up the trellis, but by the time they got to the window the bedroom door was closing. Buffy gave Willow a hand and they followed the sound of footsteps reaching to basement just in time to see Xander leap into a vortex.

"Oh my god," Willow said, but before the two could decide what to do, the vortex closed.

"What was that?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know," Willow said, "but that was Xander, right? I'm not crazy?" she begged.

Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow and kissed her. "No, hon, that was Xander, I saw him too."

The two wandered back upstairs.

"Definitely him, he never makes his bed," Willow joked.

Buffy picked up a condom wrapper from the floor. "He used condoms," she said thoughtfully. "Lubed not spermicidal."

Willow looked in the wastepaper basket. "And he tied them in a knot so they wouldn't make a mess…"

"There's enough sperm in here to knock up hundreds of women," Buffy said excitedly.

"I- we could have children," Willow said. "Xander's children."

"How long are they good for?" Buffy asked anxiously, not sure if she could get pregnant at this point in her cycle.

"About a day, but we can have the hospital put some on ice and they'll keep forever."

"It'd be considered a town resource," Buffy warned.

"Yeah, but we get guaranteed rights to at least one child apiece."

"Yeah, let's do it," Buffy said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Faith stared wide eyed as Anya fell out of a swirling hole in the air followed by a second Anya who landed crotch first on the face of her other self.

"Why do I always land that way?" Anya said climbing off her other self, just in time for Xander to knock them all down again.

"Next time you're going first," the first Anya said.

"You landing on me is not nearly as much fun," the other agreed.

"We have a nice scent," the first one told the second one, pleased.

"What just happened?" Faith asked.

"Jumped to a parallel world and back," Xander explained.

"And kidnapped their Anya?"

"All their men died off about six months ago," he said. "She volunteered to come."

"I can see that," Faith agreed.

"So what brings you by," Anya asked while Xander unloaded his backpack.

"I…uh… the Mayor wants me to get rid of a guy and I wanted to talk to Xander."

"We can send him to where I just came from," the second Anya said with a smile. "They need men."

"Really?" Faith asked perking up.

"Sure," Xander agreed. "He won't be able to come back on his own, you won't have to kill anyone, and we don't have to hide a body. Sounds like a winning deal to me. If he has family we can send them too. Unless he's gay I think he'll enjoy his new life."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Faith my dear, you have outdone yourself," the Mayor said proudly. "A signed resignation letter, empty bank accounts, and no body?"

"I had to ask a friend for help," she admitted. "And he pointed out that a body attracts attention, and that would have the opposite effect of what you wanted, so we vanished him."

"Excellent job and very intuitive, I should have been more specific in what I wanted done and why, but that was my fault not yours. I have another job for you, but that's about a week away, still I wanted to give you a heads up."

"Yeah?" Faith asked basking under his approval.

"I have attained a rare poison that works on vampires to poison Angel with."

"I could dust him," Faith suggested.

"The poison won't kill him, it'll just make him… unresponsive. I want Buffy distracted. Well that and I just don't approve of him dating someone so young. At his age he should know better."

"Not a problem Boss, I'll be sure to keep an eye on him so I can poison him later."

"That's my girl," the Mayor beamed. "So have fun with your friends, I'll see you later."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So how'd it go?" Xander asked, as Faith came down the stairs.

"Went great. Next job in a week, I gotta poison Angel."

"Slip it in one of his blood bags? He's gotta go through two a week on average," Xander suggested instantly, as he'd spent a lot of time thinking about how to poison the vamp.

"Probably, but it'd be simpler to knock him out and force feed him," Faith said. "What're you three doing?"

"Looking for a world where some kind of disaster wiped out all the people," Anya replied.

"Really, why?"

"Money," the Anya's chorused.

"The girls have convinced me that money will make our lives easier, so we find a world with no people and we can empty a bank or jewelry store," Xander explained.

"What did you invent a jump device for?" Faith asked.

"Life sucked pretty badly, so I was going to find a world where it didn't."

"Life sucked?" Faith asked surprised, she thought he'd been pretty happy as one of Buffy's clique.

"I like hanging with my friends and saving lives and I lost em both along with my girl, because something happened between me and Willow that blindsided us both. So, I figured I'd find a better world."

"What about now?" Faith said plopping herself down on his lap.

Xander chuckled. "Now I have a slayer in my lap and two witches, I've traded up. You guys don't push me away or try and neuter me to make yourselves feel better."

"And shortly, we plan to add wealth to your life," one of the Anya's said. "Money solves all sorts of problems."

"It can buy a lot of fun," Faith agreed.

"Here's one," Anya said turning up the volume on the TV.

"The zombie mobs have wiped out an estimated seventy five percent of the population in most urban areas and as their numbers grow we have to ask ourselves, is this the end of the human race?" the announcer asked.

"Avoid places that use the term infected," Xander said. "We really don't want to carry anything back with us that's going to cause the same problem here."

"Good point," Anya agreed.

"A neutron bomb was dropped in the heart of LA during the war and the effects were felt as far away as San Francisco as all animal and plant life started dying," the announcer said.

"What do you think?" Anya asked.

"Looks like it's worth a visit," Xander agreed.

"A Geiger counter was dropped using one of the newly developed Predator drones, directly on ground zero several hours ago and showed radiation levels barely elevated over the normal background radiation levels found in all major urban industrial centers."

"Feels kinda ghoulish," Faith said, "but it's not like they need it anymore."

"It is ghoulish," Xander admitted, "we are playing scavenger like vultures on a corpse, but we didn't cause the problem and we aren't making it worse. When we have some decent money we can always make up for it by dropping some supplies to a Sunnydale that needs them. Kinda help balance the karma a little."

"I'd like that," Faith agreed.

"Rob the dead now to aid their ailing counterparts later," Anya said.

"Sounds like a plan," the other agreed.

"OK," Xander said programming the signals frequency into his gauntlet, "let's jump."

Faith hopped off Xander's lap as he climbed to his feet and triggered the wormhole.

"You first," Anya said.

Xander leapt through and tumbled to the ground at the feet of… himself? He got a brief glimpse of a version of himself in fashion that hadn't been in style since the fifties, armed with a crowbar and a crew cut, standing in front of a Willow in similarly out of date fashion before he found his face meeting Anya's blue polka dotted panties once more.

"I told you so," Anya's voice rang out before she was landed on by a second Anya and Xander heard his other self say something in… German?

"No spreche da Deutsch," Xander tried. "I don't suppose you speak English?"

"Where do you come from?" Willow asked in German accented English.

Faith helped Xander to his feet as the wormhole closed behind them. "We come from Sunnydale, just not this one."

Willow and Native Xander talked back and forth in high speed German for a minute.

"Is there a way we could go there?" Willow asked hopefully.

"Sure, why?" Anya asked curiously.

"I assume from your accent, Germany did not take over the United States as it did here," Willow replied. "Here and now we are hiding because evidence has come to light that our backgrounds are of inferior genetic stock."

"Translation?" Faith asked.

"The Nazi's won here and dislike Jews and Gypsies," Xander summed up. "We need to leave now."

"If they're looking for you why hide here?" Faith asked.

"Xander suggested slipping behind the searchers as they are unlikely to backtrack anytime soon and it would give us time to plan," Willow explained.

The sound of glass breaking came from the house above them.

Native Xander said something in German.

Willow paled. "We have to go now, Xander has rigged the house so they would not get me alive."

Xander turned and opened a portal. "Move people!"

The Anya's jumped through followed by Faith, as cursing in German came from upstairs. Xander waved Willow and Native Xander forward diving in after them, a little surprised that they weren't followed by a massive explosion. There was a groan from the pile of bodies under him and he quickly hopped off and helped everyone up. The basement was old and dusty, like it hadn't been cleaned in decades and only the light coming from the open door upstairs kept them from being completely in the dark.

"Let's go up and see where we are," Xander suggested climbing the stairs.

Upstairs looked like the sixties never left and much like downstairs it was covered in dust and left to rot. Fresh air blew through the broken front window where a tree branch had broken through it, letting in the wind and rain.

Xander examined his gauntlet. "Charge is a little low, but this is the world we were aiming for. I don't know why it dropped us on the other world first."

Faith looked out the broken window. "I see weeds and birds, but it doesn't look like anyone has been here in decades."

"No one has," Xander replied as he opened the front door, wincing at the screech the rusty hinges made.

Despite what they expected, Sunnydale looked abandoned rather than dead, although there were a lot of graves in people's yards, as they walked it became obvious that the bomb hadn't killed everyone instantly, only weakened and sickened them, giving the population time to put their affairs in order before they died.

No bodies or bits of bodies after all this time were lying out. Cars were parked in driveways not abandoned in the streets. Power lines and a few poles were down, but that appeared to be storm damage as there was not even a hint of vandalism in the neighborhood they walked through. Weeds flourished anywhere there was a hint of dirt, pushing up through cracks in the pavement as well as covering what were well manicured lawns in decades past. If the town was a person you'd guess she went peacefully in her sleep rather than being violently murdered by an unthinkable weapon of war.

Crew cut Xander asked Willow something in German and Willow translated for the group, "What happened here?"

"A neutron bomb was dropped on LA," one of the Anya's explained. "The radiation slowly killed everyone that lived here and from the looks of things no one has been here since, so I'm guessing the majority of humanity was cut down by neutron bombs so population pressure hasn't forced people to move here yet."

"I'm surprised they were so… tidy," Faith said.

"Yeah, that's fairly creepy," Xander agreed. "Insects, birds and weeds have made a big comeback though and it looks like the trees didn't die."

"It's peaceful," Willow said. "No people means no war."

Xander snorted. "No war we notice. Survival of the fittest is going on all around us. Everything fights to survive, it's human arrogance that causes us to ignore it and pretend otherwise."

"Enough moping," one of the Anya's said. "This place was hit during the sixties and we are here to collect gold and jewelry before returning home and living a comfortable life as well as helping less fortunate versions of ourselves, so let's get to it."

"Jewelry stores and coin shops," Xander suggested. "I'd avoid paper bills as they'd be considered counterfeits."

"Be fun to use for monopoly money though," Faith said making Xander chuckle.

"I also would like to hit a comic book shop," Xander said. "There are some back issue's I'd like to pick up."

"No one said we couldn't make multiple trips here," Anya pointed out.

"I do have the coordinates in memory," Xander agreed.

"Speaking of geekness," Faith said. "Why did we stop at German Xander's world?"

"Probably a loose connection sending an interrupt signal," Xander said with a shrug. "I'll take it apart and triple check everything when we get home."

"You need a backup," Faith said.

Xander nodded. "Yeah, but the parts alone are a couple of hundred dollars, so I haven't made one yet."

"You should build one into a vehicle," Anya said. "That way we could travel comfortably."

"Landmasses don't always line up," Xander said. "A ship would be better; the sea is always at sea level."

"Except when climate change alters the sea level or a large storm hits," Willow translated for crew cut Xander. "However air is always air so a dirigible would be even better."

"Flying objects are usually tracked a lot more closely by the government than floating ones," Xander said. "But I do like the idea of having a traveling base, maybe if I come up with a better way of checking before we jump."

"Boats are more cost efficient per square foot," Anya said thoughtfully.

"The rocking motion makes me sleep like a baby too," Xander said.

"Jewelry store," Anya pointed out as they rounded a corner and came to downtown.

"And a pawn shop," Xander said.

"Avoid grocery stores and places with food," Faith said. "I doubt even Twinkies are good after being irradiated and left out for thirty years."

"We'll check the bank and the leather goods store," Willow said after discussing things with her Xander.

"The leather store?" Faith asked.

"Leather bags should still be usable where most others will have fallen to mold and decay," Willow explained.

"Good point," Anya said. "We'll join you there before hitting the jewelry store."

"I'm betting the pawn shop will have something that suits me," Xander said while he and Faith peeled off and headed for it.

"Ancient electronics and maybe some sports memorabilia," Faith added.

"Doors locked," Xander said as he tried the knob and it wouldn't budge.

"Allow me," Faith said as Xander moved back. Reaching forward she gripped the knob tightly and it snapped off in her hand. "Cheap piece of crap," she muttered. Drawing back her arm she nailed the lock plate with a palm thrust sending her arm through the door.

"Next time I'll bring a crowbar," Xander promised as she pulled the door open.

"Musty," Faith said her nose wrinkling in distaste.

"That, my dear, is the smell of money," Xander said in his best Thurston Howell imitation, making Faith laugh as they poked around the darkened interior.

"Baseball cards, jewelry and a decent switchblade," she said cheerfully as she checked out a glass case.

"Old buttons, some aluminum tokens and coins," Xander announced. "Look for something we can dump these displays in and we're good."

"Golf bags too big," Faith muttered squinting and wishing the power worked.

"A bowling ball bag would work," Xander said heading for the register.

"Found a leather bag, empty and looks like an old doctor's bag," Faith said.

"That'll work," Xander said fiddling with the register. "We'll come back here with flashlights and some proper bags to carry the loot next time."

"I'll put the cards in something so they don't get damaged."

"Sounds good," Xander agreed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Jessica froze as the vortex opened in the basement and Xander and his friends fell out of it.

As the group untangled themselves Xander spotted his mother. "Um… I can explain this, really I can."

German Xander stood up and helped Willow to her feet, upon seeing the local version of his mother he said "Mama" and hugged her tightly, tears running down his face. Shortly the two were speaking German and she was comforting him as he cried.

"My parents were away helping the underground when they came for us, your parents sacrificed their lives to buy us time to escape," Willow explained.

"I didn't know my mom spoke German," Xander said, the enormity of what he'd just rescued an analogue of himself and Willow from hitting him all at once.

Jessica waved for Willow to join them. "Xander, finish the laundry for me please and remember not to wash the colors in hot water."

"I won't," Xander replied as Jessica took the two upstairs.

"Does anything phase your mom?" Faith asked.

"Not for long," he replied. "I better start converting this into a bedroom, because I doubt she'll let my doppelganger escape."

"We should buy a houseboat," Anya said. "That would give us plenty of room and we could anchor off the coast to avoid property taxes."

"With all the gold and jewels we should be set," Faith agreed. "Want me to see about a berth at the marina?"

Xander added detergent and started the washer. "We need to find a boat first."

"I'll see what we can find," Anya said picking up a leather bag and giving him a kiss. "But first I have to see a man about a way to move all this."

"What I said," the other Anya said getting a bag and giving him a kiss before they both left.

"You keep things interesting," Faith said shaking her head. "Well I gotta jet. I'll ask the boss about boats.

"Ok, see you later Faith."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


End file.
